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Decided to move my blog to Tumblr. Visit me me there. It’s pretty. Like me.   http://everyoneisbatshitcrazy.tumblr.com/

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I’ve never been someone who wanted to be famous. Actually, the thought alone gives me an anxiety attack. I hate being on camera. I look like a 12 year old fat kid on screen. I see cameras and run. Lightning speed. But I have to say, there is something mildly exciting in those few moments in life where “unexpected” fame finds you. (And let’s keep things relative here. When I talk fame, I’m talking about the 20 or so people in my life I actually force to give a damn)

This week, one of my good friends IM’d me “you’re famous” with a link to an article. Figuring it was a joke and he was just trying to lead me to midget porn, I opened it. Hey, I like little people! I practically am one! To my dismay, it was a real article. With no midget porn…. sigh. But then I saw it… my name! My tweet earlier in the day, had randomly been found by an author of an entertainment news article about the Twitterverse’s reaction to the lamest “reality” show  “The Hills” being canceled. My perfect soundbite, bashing my ex-employers once-hit show, seemed to complete his masterpiece. No better cosmic alignment could have prepared me for the out pour of attention I got. Hailed as a hero amongst many who had been tossed out on our asses from a once thriving music television network, I was giddy with joy.

My recent “brush with fame” got me thinking of the few moments in life I have been subjected to inadvertent fame. Since there was no Twitter until recently, my moments in the “spotlight” have all been on tv. And all have been not as joyful as my recent one. All of them have been incredibly awkward and weird. So I decided to pick a few and share them. ‘Cause I’m sure you’re all compelled. Just as I am to write this. Seriously, its Friday night, I haven’t left my couch since I got home from work, ate won ton soup and girl scout cookies for dinner and now have a 3rd wind at 2:30am. I pretty much rule. But… I digress.

My first appearance on tv happened to be on the local news back in the mid 1980’s. I had won a workout with Mary Lou Retton! Yes, THAT Mary Lou Retton. Off her big Olympic win, I got to stretch and do kart wheels and shake my ass in front of a large crowd at the Fox Hills Mall. A quick overhead camera pan over me doing some jazzercise moves nearly catapulted my celebrity career. I’m so glad the fame never went to my head…

Throughout my years in college in Santa Barbara, I worked at the Wherehouse music store. One Christmas season, the shopping center that our store was part of was doing a local cable commercial to generate some holiday buzz. I happened to be working the day they were shooting the commercial. They were looking for a young boy to be in the commercial to ‘act’ excited and overjoyed when Santa presented him with a brand new CD for Christmas. So who better to cast in a Christmas commercial than a 20 year old Jewish girl!? Apparently I looked 10, waspy, and have a boyish charm about me. I made my acting debut… and ended my acting career all in one cable access holiday commercial. I think I really made an impression on the public. At least  to my friends, mostly stoned out of their minds as I magically appeared on their tv screen.

Perhaps my most awkward television appearance was working on the tv show “The Osbournes.” We were doing a Christmas Special and a bunch of celebrities were coming to “join” the Osbourne’s big  Christmas Party. I, working in talent, was expected to escort in celebrities to the house. First up, JC Chasez, from N’Sync. I met him in the front yard and walked with him towards the house. As we approached the front of the house, the massive double doors opened and right in front of me was a giant camera.  It was like being on the edge of the Grand Canyon looking directly into the deep cavernous hole in the ground, staring directly into my own fateful death. Um. What did I do next? Contorted my body in a desperate attempt to get out of the shot. What did I end up looking like? Like some asshole attempting to do the snake. On national tv. I never made it out of frame. So instead, I was just some awkward random chick doing the snake, in the company of JC Chasez.  I learned my lesson soon after that, and decided to just keep my head down, hair in front of my face as to hide myself’ as I approached those massive doors again. Cut to: comedian Eddie Griffin, walking in with Cousin It. On National television.

I also played (forced actually) an extra twice, once as a karate student and once as a fearful hostage during my days working on the show “Once and Again.” I think I was cut out of both episodes. Coincidence? Hmmm… See, I’m just not meant to be famous. I accepted my fate years ago. My only times in the “spotlight” have been both awkward and embarrassing. I’ve embraced the fact I will never be that graceful, cool girl who happens to be walking by some camera men as they film. I’ll be the chick who walked by, fell over a planter, landing face first on the cement ground as security rushes to my aid to stop the gushing blood from my chin. And it will air… on national television.

Oh yeah, and there was that one time I was featured during an scandalous undercover report on 20/20 that led to a lawsuit. But that’s for another blog…

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Now in its 274th season, “American Idol” is still trying to hold on to the charm and magic of seasons’ past. But everyone knows a good thing never lasts. And this season is like what happens when you smell your own toe jam.  First you have this weird, exciting anticipation that builds wondering if its gonna smell bad as you think it will, and then realizing yes… it DOES smells that bad. You, “American Idol” Season 9 are as bad as toe jam.

I’ve always been a fan of “American Idol.” I love a good competition show…  And with some bona fide superstars coming from AI, I find the competition engaging and alluring. But something has gone terribly wrong this year and I’m one week away from deleting it (GASP!) from my season pass. The contestants are heinous! Never has a group been less talented and less dynamic. Never have I ever been so bored by the judges commentary. And Ellen… well she’s as useless as a third nipple (technically 4th in this case.)

Here are some ways I think American Idol can improve this season.

I dedicate this blog to William Hung. No reason. Just do.

1) Replace Ellen DeGeneres with Woody Allen. I mean, if you’re gonna watch a bumbling comedian, full of non-sequitur comments, with absolutely no music cred whatsoever, I vote for Woody.

2) Bring Sanjaya back. Trust me.

3) Replace group numbers with 3 minutes of watching me stab myself over and over in the eye with toothpicks. The sounds of my screams will be far less painful to hear. AND I guarantee it would be more entertaining.

4)  Finally break the sexual tension, and let Ryan and Simon make out on stage.

5) Take a cue from “America’s Next Top Model” and do a MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!  Cut to: kid with the mullet crying in tears that he has somehow disgraced his trailer park community back home as he sports his newly coiffed faux-hawk.

6)  Replace shots of the contestants’ families with teletubbies! Oh, how I love watching teletubbies squeal with delight and seeing them pained with utter disappointment in their loved ones!

7) Make contestants sing while trying to escape out of a straight jacket. I mean, if they’re gonna suck, may as well make the stakes higher.

8)  Replace Randy Jackson with Arsenio Hall.  A little less ” DOGG” and more “WOO WOO”

9) After Ryan informs a contestant they’ve been eliminated, after they realized they’ve let down all their friends and family, knowing America hates them and heading back to a life of obscurity, they should have them sing the shitty song that cost them all their hopes and dreams! (Oh, wait. They ALREADY do this!!! Good job “American Idol”!)

and if all else fails…

10)  Replace all this seasons’ contestants with the voices in Paula Abdul’s head.

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Yes, I know…

… I need to update this blog. I’m feeling utterly uninspired these days…

I mean do you really want to hear how my temporary crown fell out tonight and now have a large gaping hole in mouth till I can get to the dentist tomorrow AM?

Do you really want to know that I may or may not have bursitis on my hip? Apparently the gym is having negative affects on my creaky old body.

Should I share the fact that I spent over an hour today researching car vacuums in hopes of finding the *perfect* one? Yet, didn’t make an actual purchase because I am too stressed about making a final decision.

Or how about the fact I told myself I would NOT watch this season of the “Bachelor” cause I think Jake is a total lameboat. But yet here I sit, completely engrossed in yet another 2 hour-long episode. Don’t burn the rose, Jake! Noooo… next Monday can’t come soon enough. Sigh…

See, it’s for the better good of humanity when I don’t update my blog. I’ll be back again when I feel inspired… or when I stop playing online solitaire.

PS. I really wanted to share the picture of my broken crown that now sits on my coffee table… but I cant seem to upload properly. Your loss.   

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I live for pop culture moments. 2009 had no shortage of awesomeness and stupidity alike. Since it’s the end of the decade, I toyed with the notion of creating a list of the best moments of the decade. But since my memory barely makes it past yesterday, I didn’t feel like looking up ten years worth of moments. Laziness is a gene I embrace. Anyways, who cares what happened in like, 2003… except maybe some lame ancient historians!?

Mackenzie Phillips. She admitted to years of consensual incestual sex with her father. What’s next, Carnie Wilson admitting to consensual beastiality?

Tiger Woods. You’ve handled this all wrong… Just admit you’re a sex addict. Everyone still loves David Duchovny.

Carrie Prejean. I never thought there was anyone who could give Elisabitch Hasslebitch a run for her ignorant stupid money… but holy fake tits and sex tape, helllloooooo Carrie Prejean!

Perez Hilton getting beat up by the Black Eyed Peas’ Manager. Violence is never the answer. Ok, Ok. Sometimes it IS. Boom Boom Pow, Bitch!

Octomom. Somebody put a muzzle on that crazy whore. And get one for that stupid mouth of hers, too.

Miley Cyrus dances on a stripper pole during an Awards show. Yeah, so… I bought my 7-year-old niece a dildo. Kids grow up so fast these days… sigh…

Michael Phelps. Look, anyone that can take de-enhancing drugs and still manage to be the most decorated Olympian in history deserves well… another fuckin’ medal. Now superstar, go and pack me a bong load and let’s do the butterfly stroke!

Brett Favre. I could care less about football. Yet Brett Favre made this list. That’s how much he irked me this year.  I never thought I would say this… but he should really take a lesson from Sarah Palin. Quit. And stay a quitter.

Sarah Palin. (See: Brett Favre)

Lady Gaga. I really wish she would come up some creative ways to express herself.

Twilight Mania. It’s the one double standard I can live with. Older men pining after young girls, gross. Older chicks pining after hot young boys… meow. Leave me alone.

Kanye West & Taylor Swift.  Taylor, I hope you sent Kanye a really nice Christmas present for making you a household name. Seriously, my 92 year old grandma even knows your name. Or, hmmm… maybe she thought I was referring to Taylor Lautner. My Grandma is a cougar.

Susan Boyle. I admit it, I shed a few tears as I watched her sing. I shed a few more when I caught a glimpse of her massive eye brows. Then I cried a bit harder when I realized a  ‘makeover’ had made no improvement.

The Gosselins. Oh they have kids!?!? Really? Oh, 8 of them? Hm. Who knew!?

 

Kevin Jonas gets married. The oldest Jonas Brother finally got to take off  his purity ring and put in a special box. No, NO Kevin.. not in THAT box!

Summer of Death. If I was a celebrity, I would have planted myself in a bubble and lived happily behind a glass partition. If Michael Jackson was smart, he would have continued living in his hyperbaric chamber. But no… we all had to make fun of him. Now he’s dead. Good job, people.

“Megan Wants a Millionaire” contestant Ryan Jenkins. I mean, this story had everything… a millionaire reality show contestant, a stripper, a gruesome murder, a international man hunt, a suicide.  The guy probably would have done realllly well on “Survivor.” I suppose we all make bad choices in life.

Levi Johnston. Seriously, the kid was  born with a porn name. His parents practically groomed him for Playgirl. Don’t hate.

And of course… our newest friend this year, Swine Flu. Stupid kid deserves a spanking.

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Tuesday: Ugh. I don’t feel so hot. I think I’m getting a cold… sniff sniff, blow.

Wednesday: Yup, definitely sick. Sneeze Sneeze, blow. Ugh.

Thursday: I am totally fuckin sick. Somebody shoot me. Oh look. It’s Thanksgiving and I’m sitting alone with my lean cuisine mac and cheese and tomato soup.  And I can’t even taste anything! Seriously. Shoot me.

Friday: Oh golly gee. I’m still fuckin’ sick. *twiddling my thumbs* Sneeze Sneeze, blow. Blow. Blow. Ugh.

Saturday:  Are you fuckin’ kidding me? C’mon. I just want to taste again. I just want to breathe. Am I really asking too much? Why does God hate me?

Sunday: It’s like god damn Groundhogs day. No really, I’m starting to look like a damn groundhog.

To Be Continued…

 

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Ode To Blog

Dear Blog,

Can you forgive me? Will you? Let me explain.

I’ve neglected you. And I’m sorry. See I started a new job, blog. And this job, though fresh and shiny and new, is overworking my poor brain and my stubby little fingers.  I used to sit around in my pajamas all day, showering only when necessary while working from the convience of my couch. Oh Regis & Kelly how I miss you so. Your witty banter paired with a side of coffee was the jumpstart to my morning. ‘Twas a good time, blog. I had oodles of free time to scour the internet to fill your pages with awe and delight. It was then blog, that we bonded. And what fun we had! You always knew how to make me smile. Oh, what’s that blog? Aw shucks… You’re making me blush, blog! I miss you too. I will return soon… and we will laugh at the insanity and the stupidity of the world around us. xoxo

Look! It’s Mr. Mean Cookie Face!

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