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Because I am so freakin’ tired and cannot leave my couch to actually watch the Grammys with others, I’m sitting here by myself doing a play-by-play of the show. Out loud. To myself. I’m kinda irritating. So I decided to write it down. If you wanna read, go ahead. Don’t feel like you have to. I wouldn’t want to.

I love award shows. Seriously. I get a weird high from seeing all those celebrities in one space. It’s the 12 year inside me who dreamt about being around all those people. And then after a decade of working with all those people, I now only dream about my couch.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton GayGay. I think I just saw Lady Gaga smile. I didn’t think she was capable. She constantly shocks me.

… And THERE’S the obligatory iPad reference. Um, Thanks Steven Colbert.

Did Pink just piss herself?

Beyonce can usually sing anything and make it sound good. Except an Alanis Morrisette song. Duly noted.

Ugh… I hate when Miley Cyrus wears a cute dress and for one moment in time, I don’t hate her. Moment passed. Phew. I hate her again.

Do you think  The Black Eyed Peas know how lame they are and just dress like assholes cause they think “Hey, our songs are fuckin’ lame, we’re fuckin annoying… let’s dress like fuckin’ assholes!” Or am I giving them far too much credit?

The Jonas Bros irk me. Especially that young one. He takes himself too damn seriously. The Hanson Bros did too… now look at them. Right. You can’t find them. Chill out pretty boy.

Why is Jamie Foxx performing? I’m so confused. Didn’t that song come out like 3 years ago? Yes? No?  Is he even relevant to the Grammys this year? PS. He also can’t sing worth shit. But he IS great at yelling into his mic.  Really stellar yelling, Jamie.

Crap. I bought the pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets. Not Lean Pockets. Damn similar packaging. I mean I do not need the extra 10 grams of fat in these things. Sigh…

Oh look, Justin Beiber. Oh Look Ke$ha. Combined they have the intrigue of my pinky toe. If I had a daughter and she told me she thought Justin Beiber was super cute and super talented, I would smack her. I’m all for hitting your children if absolutely necessary.

Katy Perry and Alice Cooper are presenting together… What’s weird about this pairing, is I thought it was just Katy and Russell Brand.

Holy Hotness Chris O’Donnell. Should I be watching NCIS?!?I mean, has the guy aged? Doesn’t he have like 10 kids? Shouldn’t he look like hell? I do, and I’m childless.

Dear Grammys… next time you decide to pair the legendary and incredibly talented Stevie Nicks with the flash-in-the-pan Taylor Swift, please lower Taylor’s mic. Thank you.

WHAT? Nobody told me to get 3D Glasses!? Why the F wasn’t there an emergency breakthrough during a show last week on CBS to warn me? Way more important than flash flood warnings, CBS. Grrr. I’ve been dreaming of the day I would see Celine Dion in 3D. And now, here it is. And now, it will pass. I am so over 2D Celine Dion.

Michael Jackson’s kids… I don’t look as much like my own parents as those kids look like Debbie Rowe and Arnie Klein. Just sayin’…

WHAT? Beyonce recognized Jay-Z as her husband? In public? Like in front of people? I think that’s the most shocking event of the night.

Hot Damn LL Cool J. He never ages either! Seriously, I really should be watching NCIS.

How pissed would you be if you had the seat behind Lady Gaga? Excuse me Miss Lady Gaga, would you mind taking off the silver lightning bolts from your head so I can see the stage?

Taylor Swift wins again. Snooze. Sasha Fierce should kick her skinny lanky ass.

And thus ends the show. Meh.

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I wonder if Jesus would approve?  This guy is truly magnificent… or shall I say, OHHHHH- MAZING!

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