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Archive for the ‘Batshitcrazy Celebrities’ Category

Because I am so freakin’ tired and cannot leave my couch to actually watch the Grammys with others, I’m sitting here by myself doing a play-by-play of the show. Out loud. To myself. I’m kinda irritating. So I decided to write it down. If you wanna read, go ahead. Don’t feel like you have to. I wouldn’t want to.

I love award shows. Seriously. I get a weird high from seeing all those celebrities in one space. It’s the 12 year inside me who dreamt about being around all those people. And then after a decade of working with all those people, I now only dream about my couch.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton GayGay. I think I just saw Lady Gaga smile. I didn’t think she was capable. She constantly shocks me.

… And THERE’S the obligatory iPad reference. Um, Thanks Steven Colbert.

Did Pink just piss herself?

Beyonce can usually sing anything and make it sound good. Except an Alanis Morrisette song. Duly noted.

Ugh… I hate when Miley Cyrus wears a cute dress and for one moment in time, I don’t hate her. Moment passed. Phew. I hate her again.

Do you think  The Black Eyed Peas know how lame they are and just dress like assholes cause they think “Hey, our songs are fuckin’ lame, we’re fuckin annoying… let’s dress like fuckin’ assholes!” Or am I giving them far too much credit?

The Jonas Bros irk me. Especially that young one. He takes himself too damn seriously. The Hanson Bros did too… now look at them. Right. You can’t find them. Chill out pretty boy.

Why is Jamie Foxx performing? I’m so confused. Didn’t that song come out like 3 years ago? Yes? No?  Is he even relevant to the Grammys this year? PS. He also can’t sing worth shit. But he IS great at yelling into his mic.  Really stellar yelling, Jamie.

Crap. I bought the pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets. Not Lean Pockets. Damn similar packaging. I mean I do not need the extra 10 grams of fat in these things. Sigh…

Oh look, Justin Beiber. Oh Look Ke$ha. Combined they have the intrigue of my pinky toe. If I had a daughter and she told me she thought Justin Beiber was super cute and super talented, I would smack her. I’m all for hitting your children if absolutely necessary.

Katy Perry and Alice Cooper are presenting together… What’s weird about this pairing, is I thought it was just Katy and Russell Brand.

Holy Hotness Chris O’Donnell. Should I be watching NCIS?!?I mean, has the guy aged? Doesn’t he have like 10 kids? Shouldn’t he look like hell? I do, and I’m childless.

Dear Grammys… next time you decide to pair the legendary and incredibly talented Stevie Nicks with the flash-in-the-pan Taylor Swift, please lower Taylor’s mic. Thank you.

WHAT? Nobody told me to get 3D Glasses!? Why the F wasn’t there an emergency breakthrough during a show last week on CBS to warn me? Way more important than flash flood warnings, CBS. Grrr. I’ve been dreaming of the day I would see Celine Dion in 3D. And now, here it is. And now, it will pass. I am so over 2D Celine Dion.

Michael Jackson’s kids… I don’t look as much like my own parents as those kids look like Debbie Rowe and Arnie Klein. Just sayin’…

WHAT? Beyonce recognized Jay-Z as her husband? In public? Like in front of people? I think that’s the most shocking event of the night.

Hot Damn LL Cool J. He never ages either! Seriously, I really should be watching NCIS.

How pissed would you be if you had the seat behind Lady Gaga? Excuse me Miss Lady Gaga, would you mind taking off the silver lightning bolts from your head so I can see the stage?

Taylor Swift wins again. Snooze. Sasha Fierce should kick her skinny lanky ass.

And thus ends the show. Meh.

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How do you go from plastering every single cover of  Bop! Magazine for the latter part of the 80’s to this…? Look, we’re all happy you chose Jesus over starring in Lifetime TV Movies like the rest of your old Growing Pains cast, but how about not being such a creep?  The public embraces an ex-child star who robs liquor stores for crack money…  but a radical born again? Nah ah. You should have taken the good ol’ heroin route, Kirk.

Apparently, when you buy this special book, you get a free poster. I wonder if it’s of Mike Seaver in an all denim outfit, arms crossed with silly grin across his face as he leans against his bedroom wall…

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WWFJ (Won’t Wack For Jesus)

I’m gonna get a tattoo across my knuckles that says “Put down the bacon. Don’t forget about your astronomically high cholesterol.” I hope it all fits.  I have small fingers.

http://www.needlesandsins.com/2009/09/tattoo-fix-fo-wanking-kicks-1.html

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Kanye is a douchebag. This is not news. His antics over the last few years has ranged from plain rude, to completely egotistical, to simply idiotic. Tonight he managed to prove he was utterly maniacal as well. But why is everyone all up in arms by his behavior at the VMAs? In case anyone has forgotten that this behavior is nothing out of the normal, here are some of Kanye’s finer moments. You know, for a guy who merely samples music from the greats and dresses like Harajuku Girl, he should shut up. And for the record, he once had his jaw wired shut following a car accident. If only history could repeat itself…

*In 2004, he walked out of the American Music Awards, claiming he was “robbed” in the Best New Artist category. The following year, he promised hellfire and brimstone if his Late Registration album didn’t take home the Grammy for Album of the Year. A few months later, when Kanye won best rap album at the Grammys, he said, snarkily, in his acceptance speech, “A lot of people were wondering what I was going to do if I didn’t win anything. I guess we’ll never know.” You mean cry like a little baby, Kanye? No one is scared of you and your idle threats. What’s the worst he could have done? Threatened to never make music again? Oh, pity us.

* At the 2006 MTV Europe Music Awards, he stormed the stage after losing the award for Video of the Year. “(My video) cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it, I was jumping across canyons and sh*t! If I don’t win, the awards show loses credibility. Nothing against you (Justice- the band who won), but hell man “It took a month to film; I stood on a mountain; I flew a helicopter over Vegas. I did it to be the king of all videos and I wanted to walk home with that award.” Dear Kanye, it’s a f’in Moon Man award. You can probably just buy one in Times Square. And for the record, Pamela Anderson does not equate to an award. Insane thought on my end, I’m sure…

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* In response to the announcement that Britney Spears would open the 2007 Video Music Awards.  “I can’t believe she would perform. She hasn’t had a hit record in years. Maybe my money’s not right. Maybe my skin’s not right.” Right. ‘Cause no black performer has ever been accepted in the music industry. And fyi, Britney has sold more records than you will in a lifetime. Even in your delusional, self-serving, magical world you live in.


* In an interview Kanye said “I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go… I’m like a machine. I’m a robot. You cannot offend a robot… I’m going down as a legend, whether or not you like me or not.  I am the new Jim Morrison. I am the new Kurt Cobain… They feel like, yo, you know ‘he’s got a God complex, because he said if they wrote the Bible again that he would be in it’. Duh, yeah, I would be in it. I feel like I’m one of the more important people in pop culture right now… The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible? And people have their own forms of bibles now. It’s a new day and age…” I hope your character in this “New Bible” gets mauled by wolves.

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* “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation. You know everyone loves and respects Michael (Jackson) but times change. It’s so sad to see Michael gone but it makes a path for a new King of Pop and I’m willing to take that on. There’s nobody who can match me in sales and respect so it only makes sense for me to take over Michael’s crown and become the new King. I have nothing but respect for Michael but someone needs to pick up where he left off and there’s nobody better than me to do that. I am the new King of Pop.” It’s nice of you to offer Kanye. But see, Michael didn’t get that title from sampling other’s music. He created his own. And brilliantly so. He also didn’t nominate himself. It’s a honor that the public bestows upon a talented, worthy performer. It’s a shame you will never know such an honor.

* “I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in. I have to be in a way more grimy environment to turn any rap music on.” Classy remark. Just classy.

* “My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live. God chose me. He made a path for me. I am God’s vessel.” I think if God was aware of this, he would be very disappointed with his choice.

* “There’s nothing more to be said about music. I’m the fucking end-all, be-all of music. I know what I’m doing. I did 808s in three weeks. I got it. It’s on cruise control.” End-all would be ideal.

* “Someone could be a better rapper, dance better. But culturally impacting? When you look back at these four and a half years, who’s the icon at the end of the day? Who broke down color barriers?” Oh Oh, I know the answer to this!!! MLK Jr, Rosa Parks, and Malcolm X. Not you Douchebag.

For the three people who didn’t see what happened, the video is below. I love my Taylor Swift and wish I could wring his neck for this. I wonder if Pink had won would he still have gone up like this? Cause Pink could have probably killed him. Right there on stage. And that would have been rad.

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I have two words for you Mischa Barton… Um, oooookay. Forget that age old “exhaustion excuse” used by many a coke-bingin’ starlet… a “dry socket” may just land you in the psych ward. But definitely NOT spending 3 days in a coke induced schizo state. No, no. Not that!

I had my wisdom teeth out. The most interesting thing that happened to me was figuring out how to mash up some CPK Bbq Chicken Pizza into an almost liquid form so I could “eat” something.

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The back of the t-shirt reads… “This is an old t-shirt”

I wonder if Samantha Ronson has a t-shirt that reads “I’m with Stupid –>”

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From Neverland… to Doucheland! Nooooo! At least Jon Gosselin will have a ‘real’ job again… managing the gift store.

http://www.hollyscoop.com/michael-jackson/christian-audigier-buys-neverland-ranch_21413.aspx

christian-audigier-is-moving-into-michael-jackson--lrg

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