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Archive for February, 2010

Now in its 274th season, “American Idol” is still trying to hold on to the charm and magic of seasons’ past. But everyone knows a good thing never lasts. And this season is like what happens when you smell your own toe jam.  First you have this weird, exciting anticipation that builds wondering if its gonna smell bad as you think it will, and then realizing yes… it DOES smells that bad. You, “American Idol” Season 9 are as bad as toe jam.

I’ve always been a fan of “American Idol.” I love a good competition show…  And with some bona fide superstars coming from AI, I find the competition engaging and alluring. But something has gone terribly wrong this year and I’m one week away from deleting it (GASP!) from my season pass. The contestants are heinous! Never has a group been less talented and less dynamic. Never have I ever been so bored by the judges commentary. And Ellen… well she’s as useless as a third nipple (technically 4th in this case.)

Here are some ways I think American Idol can improve this season.

I dedicate this blog to William Hung. No reason. Just do.

1) Replace Ellen DeGeneres with Woody Allen. I mean, if you’re gonna watch a bumbling comedian, full of non-sequitur comments, with absolutely no music cred whatsoever, I vote for Woody.

2) Bring Sanjaya back. Trust me.

3) Replace group numbers with 3 minutes of watching me stab myself over and over in the eye with toothpicks. The sounds of my screams will be far less painful to hear. AND I guarantee it would be more entertaining.

4)  Finally break the sexual tension, and let Ryan and Simon make out on stage.

5) Take a cue from “America’s Next Top Model” and do a MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!  Cut to: kid with the mullet crying in tears that he has somehow disgraced his trailer park community back home as he sports his newly coiffed faux-hawk.

6)  Replace shots of the contestants’ families with teletubbies! Oh, how I love watching teletubbies squeal with delight and seeing them pained with utter disappointment in their loved ones!

7) Make contestants sing while trying to escape out of a straight jacket. I mean, if they’re gonna suck, may as well make the stakes higher.

8)  Replace Randy Jackson with Arsenio Hall.  A little less ” DOGG” and more “WOO WOO”

9) After Ryan informs a contestant they’ve been eliminated, after they realized they’ve let down all their friends and family, knowing America hates them and heading back to a life of obscurity, they should have them sing the shitty song that cost them all their hopes and dreams! (Oh, wait. They ALREADY do this!!! Good job “American Idol”!)

and if all else fails…

10)  Replace all this seasons’ contestants with the voices in Paula Abdul’s head.

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Because I am so freakin’ tired and cannot leave my couch to actually watch the Grammys with others, I’m sitting here by myself doing a play-by-play of the show. Out loud. To myself. I’m kinda irritating. So I decided to write it down. If you wanna read, go ahead. Don’t feel like you have to. I wouldn’t want to.

I love award shows. Seriously. I get a weird high from seeing all those celebrities in one space. It’s the 12 year inside me who dreamt about being around all those people. And then after a decade of working with all those people, I now only dream about my couch.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton GayGay. I think I just saw Lady Gaga smile. I didn’t think she was capable. She constantly shocks me.

… And THERE’S the obligatory iPad reference. Um, Thanks Steven Colbert.

Did Pink just piss herself?

Beyonce can usually sing anything and make it sound good. Except an Alanis Morrisette song. Duly noted.

Ugh… I hate when Miley Cyrus wears a cute dress and for one moment in time, I don’t hate her. Moment passed. Phew. I hate her again.

Do you think  The Black Eyed Peas know how lame they are and just dress like assholes cause they think “Hey, our songs are fuckin’ lame, we’re fuckin annoying… let’s dress like fuckin’ assholes!” Or am I giving them far too much credit?

The Jonas Bros irk me. Especially that young one. He takes himself too damn seriously. The Hanson Bros did too… now look at them. Right. You can’t find them. Chill out pretty boy.

Why is Jamie Foxx performing? I’m so confused. Didn’t that song come out like 3 years ago? Yes? No?  Is he even relevant to the Grammys this year? PS. He also can’t sing worth shit. But he IS great at yelling into his mic.  Really stellar yelling, Jamie.

Crap. I bought the pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets. Not Lean Pockets. Damn similar packaging. I mean I do not need the extra 10 grams of fat in these things. Sigh…

Oh look, Justin Beiber. Oh Look Ke$ha. Combined they have the intrigue of my pinky toe. If I had a daughter and she told me she thought Justin Beiber was super cute and super talented, I would smack her. I’m all for hitting your children if absolutely necessary.

Katy Perry and Alice Cooper are presenting together… What’s weird about this pairing, is I thought it was just Katy and Russell Brand.

Holy Hotness Chris O’Donnell. Should I be watching NCIS?!?I mean, has the guy aged? Doesn’t he have like 10 kids? Shouldn’t he look like hell? I do, and I’m childless.

Dear Grammys… next time you decide to pair the legendary and incredibly talented Stevie Nicks with the flash-in-the-pan Taylor Swift, please lower Taylor’s mic. Thank you.

WHAT? Nobody told me to get 3D Glasses!? Why the F wasn’t there an emergency breakthrough during a show last week on CBS to warn me? Way more important than flash flood warnings, CBS. Grrr. I’ve been dreaming of the day I would see Celine Dion in 3D. And now, here it is. And now, it will pass. I am so over 2D Celine Dion.

Michael Jackson’s kids… I don’t look as much like my own parents as those kids look like Debbie Rowe and Arnie Klein. Just sayin’…

WHAT? Beyonce recognized Jay-Z as her husband? In public? Like in front of people? I think that’s the most shocking event of the night.

Hot Damn LL Cool J. He never ages either! Seriously, I really should be watching NCIS.

How pissed would you be if you had the seat behind Lady Gaga? Excuse me Miss Lady Gaga, would you mind taking off the silver lightning bolts from your head so I can see the stage?

Taylor Swift wins again. Snooze. Sasha Fierce should kick her skinny lanky ass.

And thus ends the show. Meh.

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