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Archive for December, 2009

I live for pop culture moments. 2009 had no shortage of awesomeness and stupidity alike. Since it’s the end of the decade, I toyed with the notion of creating a list of the best moments of the decade. But since my memory barely makes it past yesterday, I didn’t feel like looking up ten years worth of moments. Laziness is a gene I embrace. Anyways, who cares what happened in like, 2003… except maybe some lame ancient historians!?

Mackenzie Phillips. She admitted to years of consensual incestual sex with her father. What’s next, Carnie Wilson admitting to consensual beastiality?

Tiger Woods. You’ve handled this all wrong… Just admit you’re a sex addict. Everyone still loves David Duchovny.

Carrie Prejean. I never thought there was anyone who could give Elisabitch Hasslebitch a run for her ignorant stupid money… but holy fake tits and sex tape, helllloooooo Carrie Prejean!

Perez Hilton getting beat up by the Black Eyed Peas’ Manager. Violence is never the answer. Ok, Ok. Sometimes it IS. Boom Boom Pow, Bitch!

Octomom. Somebody put a muzzle on that crazy whore. And get one for that stupid mouth of hers, too.

Miley Cyrus dances on a stripper pole during an Awards show. Yeah, so… I bought my 7-year-old niece a dildo. Kids grow up so fast these days… sigh…

Michael Phelps. Look, anyone that can take de-enhancing drugs and still manage to be the most decorated Olympian in history deserves well… another fuckin’ medal. Now superstar, go and pack me a bong load and let’s do the butterfly stroke!

Brett Favre. I could care less about football. Yet Brett Favre made this list. That’s how much he irked me this year.  I never thought I would say this… but he should really take a lesson from Sarah Palin. Quit. And stay a quitter.

Sarah Palin. (See: Brett Favre)

Lady Gaga. I really wish she would come up some creative ways to express herself.

Twilight Mania. It’s the one double standard I can live with. Older men pining after young girls, gross. Older chicks pining after hot young boys… meow. Leave me alone.

Kanye West & Taylor Swift.  Taylor, I hope you sent Kanye a really nice Christmas present for making you a household name. Seriously, my 92 year old grandma even knows your name. Or, hmmm… maybe she thought I was referring to Taylor Lautner. My Grandma is a cougar.

Susan Boyle. I admit it, I shed a few tears as I watched her sing. I shed a few more when I caught a glimpse of her massive eye brows. Then I cried a bit harder when I realized a  ‘makeover’ had made no improvement.

The Gosselins. Oh they have kids!?!? Really? Oh, 8 of them? Hm. Who knew!?

 

Kevin Jonas gets married. The oldest Jonas Brother finally got to take off  his purity ring and put in a special box. No, NO Kevin.. not in THAT box!

Summer of Death. If I was a celebrity, I would have planted myself in a bubble and lived happily behind a glass partition. If Michael Jackson was smart, he would have continued living in his hyperbaric chamber. But no… we all had to make fun of him. Now he’s dead. Good job, people.

“Megan Wants a Millionaire” contestant Ryan Jenkins. I mean, this story had everything… a millionaire reality show contestant, a stripper, a gruesome murder, a international man hunt, a suicide.  The guy probably would have done realllly well on “Survivor.” I suppose we all make bad choices in life.

Levi Johnston. Seriously, the kid was  born with a porn name. His parents practically groomed him for Playgirl. Don’t hate.

And of course… our newest friend this year, Swine Flu. Stupid kid deserves a spanking.

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